2014-02-09

outofmymind: music notes bubbling up from a top hat (music)
yes, youtube advertisement. for shampoo I think. but they played 'mad world' in a terrible and modern version. which I disliked. but I loved the original many years ago, so I am biased, sue me.
okay. so it seems Gary Jules and Micheal Andrews covered this too. well, this is the one in my head. madness hurray. fits with my life..
outofmymind: fertig mit der welt - (leverage) so many things i shouldn't have missed (mad world)
why do I have to know what to do with my life? why do I have to be organized and knowing and clear on what to do and when to do it and bloody decided and self-confident and whatnot? I AM NOT! I never have been. it's just that my own parents can't be bothered to see that even though I hold them partially responsible because they never showed me how to deal with any official stuff.
but why do I have to know? and why do I have to know in a few days?
I fucked up the one way my life was going and since then I feel suspended and hanging in limbo while the world keeps turning. I just hang out in my cozy corner of the world and hope things get better. because I certainly have no idea. and I don't even want a career, I don't want to be a good and nice and social person. I don't like most people, or am even interested in them. why can't I be left alone..
I would like to have a goal in my life and to know what to do about myself. it's just that I seem blind to viable options. and also to depressed and negative to see anything as positive *insert snort* other people seem to find joy in life and are content if not happy. I can't say that I feel that. some days I just seem to be an empty shell unable to feel anything. friends can sit next to me laughing and I have to fight to fake a smile.
I don't know what to do. and I'm freaking out and scared. contemplating drinking or drug use so I don't have to think and stop thinking about banging my head against the wall or doing something else but equally stupid.
hurray for me and down the rabbit hole.

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outofmymind: parker, the crazy chick. (Default)
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