outofmymind: fertig mit der welt - (leverage) so many things i shouldn't have missed (mad world)
“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”
 ― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper
 
“Part of the problem with the word 'disabilities' is that it immediately suggests an inability to see or hear or walk or do other things that many of us take for granted. But what of people who can't feel? Or talk about their feelings? Or manage their feelings in constructive ways? What of people who aren't able to form close and strong relationships? And people who cannot find fulfillment in their lives, or those who have lost hope, who live in disappointment and bitterness and find in life no joy, no love? These, it seems to me, are the real disabilities.”
― Fred Rogers, The World According to Mister Rogers: Important Things to Remember

“You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It wont happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life.”
― Joel Osteen, Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential

“It was one of those times you feel a sense of loss, even though you didn't have something in the first place. I guess that's what disappointment is- a sense of loss for something you never had.”
― Deb Caletti, The Nature of Jade
outofmymind: fertig mit der welt - (leverage) so many things i shouldn't have missed (mad world)
I freakin dislike myself for being so drifting, undecided, unsure and insecure in this world. 
I don't know, okay. I don't know what to do, what could be good or bad. not right. I know some things that are bad for me, which is bad because they are not for most other people. and no, conforming is not that easy. not now, maybe not ever.
so, what am I doing then? decisions need to be made. somehow.
outofmymind: it's not that hard: just point and click! (click)
seems the way to go. at least I keep on moving with this technique. I am slowly crawling out of a dark hole and being active and working on some things. doing better, maybe. for now. 
and I hope this trend will continue on for a while. it makes a person feel not completely useless if you have something to look upon at the end of the day and realise it was something you did or made. makes me feel okay. downside is: I keep every serious thought and concern about real-world-problems away from me. just click off and reboot if something comes too close. protect myself for now and work on getting there without breaking.
I usually have phases when things are better and when things are worse (aka really going down the drain) and I hope this itsy bitsy spider climbing up will withstand the next rain.
outofmymind: fertig mit der welt - (leverage) so many things i shouldn't have missed (mad world)
so as it turns out reading and working through fictional problems brought up some of my issues. or is it normal to try and read a book while you cry your eyes out and feeling there was something that went horribly wrong with you?
maybe a few issues.. )
outofmymind: fertig mit der welt - (leverage) so many things i shouldn't have missed (mad world)
of course it is a sunshiny and bright day outside with people enjoying themselves and children laughing when I lie down in a dark corner crying and being angry with the world and sad about life. or was it sad about my world and angry at living? I don't remember anymore and I don't care. I deserve more.
outofmymind: it's not that hard: just point and click! (click)
you know who your friends are if your doorbell rings at three am. or if they are simply coming by to get you. 
it's good to know someone has your back.
thanks, dear. *big hug*
outofmymind: fertig mit der welt - (leverage) so many things i shouldn't have missed (mad world)
the feeling of a sword of Damocles hanging over me just gets more intense. the moment of it falling is undeniably coming closer. I don't know if I can dodge it or even should. I spend the last days practically paralysed, unsure what to do, unable to act. staring at stuff neither hearing nor seing anything really. messing my life up even more than I feel it is.
now I am getting restless. next phase *hurray rabbit hole* what now? running in circles still not knowing what to do? waiting for the panic attack and run in circles gasping and crying. can hardly wait..
outofmymind: parker, the crazy chick. (Default)
options so far:
x jump from building - doesn't seem wise. also: might hurt.
x ignore everything - makes the whole affair probably worse.
x find yummy things in medicine cabinet and just go to town - seems also unwise. probably leads to injury of some kind and defaults back to point two.
x empty alcohol shelf -  seems also unwise. probably leads to injury of some kind and defaults back to point two. again.
x find someone to take my place and make any kind of decision - nicer idea. where t find and would they make a good decision? 
x give up and go with the flow - can't be worse than situation now. just filled with other things I hate and people. urgh.
x .. I got nothin. 


"You leave the honey-den, forlorn and disappointed." 
outofmymind: fertig mit der welt - (leverage) so many things i shouldn't have missed (mad world)
why do I have to know what to do with my life? why do I have to be organized and knowing and clear on what to do and when to do it and bloody decided and self-confident and whatnot? I AM NOT! I never have been. it's just that my own parents can't be bothered to see that even though I hold them partially responsible because they never showed me how to deal with any official stuff.
but why do I have to know? and why do I have to know in a few days?
I fucked up the one way my life was going and since then I feel suspended and hanging in limbo while the world keeps turning. I just hang out in my cozy corner of the world and hope things get better. because I certainly have no idea. and I don't even want a career, I don't want to be a good and nice and social person. I don't like most people, or am even interested in them. why can't I be left alone..
I would like to have a goal in my life and to know what to do about myself. it's just that I seem blind to viable options. and also to depressed and negative to see anything as positive *insert snort* other people seem to find joy in life and are content if not happy. I can't say that I feel that. some days I just seem to be an empty shell unable to feel anything. friends can sit next to me laughing and I have to fight to fake a smile.
I don't know what to do. and I'm freaking out and scared. contemplating drinking or drug use so I don't have to think and stop thinking about banging my head against the wall or doing something else but equally stupid.
hurray for me and down the rabbit hole.

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outofmymind: parker, the crazy chick. (Default)
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