outofmymind (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
outofmymind) wrote2014-02-09 10:52 pm
outofmymind) wrote2014-02-09 10:52 pm
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why do I have to know what to do with my life? why do I have to be organized and knowing and clear on what to do and when to do it and bloody decided and self-confident and whatnot? I AM NOT! I never have been. it's just that my own parents can't be bothered to see that even though I hold them partially responsible because they never showed me how to deal with any official stuff.
but why do I have to know? and why do I have to know in a few days?
I fucked up the one way my life was going and since then I feel suspended and hanging in limbo while the world keeps turning. I just hang out in my cozy corner of the world and hope things get better. because I certainly have no idea. and I don't even want a career, I don't want to be a good and nice and social person. I don't like most people, or am even interested in them. why can't I be left alone..
I would like to have a goal in my life and to know what to do about myself. it's just that I seem blind to viable options. and also to depressed and negative to see anything as positive *insert snort* other people seem to find joy in life and are content if not happy. I can't say that I feel that. some days I just seem to be an empty shell unable to feel anything. friends can sit next to me laughing and I have to fight to fake a smile.
I don't know what to do. and I'm freaking out and scared. contemplating drinking or drug use so I don't have to think and stop thinking about banging my head against the wall or doing something else but equally stupid.
hurray for me and down the rabbit hole.
but why do I have to know? and why do I have to know in a few days?
I fucked up the one way my life was going and since then I feel suspended and hanging in limbo while the world keeps turning. I just hang out in my cozy corner of the world and hope things get better. because I certainly have no idea. and I don't even want a career, I don't want to be a good and nice and social person. I don't like most people, or am even interested in them. why can't I be left alone..
I would like to have a goal in my life and to know what to do about myself. it's just that I seem blind to viable options. and also to depressed and negative to see anything as positive *insert snort* other people seem to find joy in life and are content if not happy. I can't say that I feel that. some days I just seem to be an empty shell unable to feel anything. friends can sit next to me laughing and I have to fight to fake a smile.
I don't know what to do. and I'm freaking out and scared. contemplating drinking or drug use so I don't have to think and stop thinking about banging my head against the wall or doing something else but equally stupid.
hurray for me and down the rabbit hole.