outofmymind

cause why not? it's fun and realxing and just awesome sending weird stuff through the net to each other. making each other laugh and enjoy spending time together.
late night - after fun - before sleep - song

 fu, sis.
I love you, too.
don't call me.

HELL NO!!

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”
 ― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper
 
“Part of the problem with the word 'disabilities' is that it immediately suggests an inability to see or hear or walk or do other things that many of us take for granted. But what of people who can't feel? Or talk about their feelings? Or manage their feelings in constructive ways? What of people who aren't able to form close and strong relationships? And people who cannot find fulfillment in their lives, or those who have lost hope, who live in disappointment and bitterness and find in life no joy, no love? These, it seems to me, are the real disabilities.”
― Fred Rogers, The World According to Mister Rogers: Important Things to Remember

“You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It wont happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life.”
― Joel Osteen, Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential

“It was one of those times you feel a sense of loss, even though you didn't have something in the first place. I guess that's what disappointment is- a sense of loss for something you never had.”
― Deb Caletti, The Nature of Jade

seems the way to go. at least I keep on moving with this technique. I am slowly crawling out of a dark hole and being active and working on some things. doing better, maybe. for now. 
and I hope this trend will continue on for a while. it makes a person feel not completely useless if you have something to look upon at the end of the day and realise it was something you did or made. makes me feel okay. downside is: I keep every serious thought and concern about real-world-problems away from me. just click off and reboot if something comes too close. protect myself for now and work on getting there without breaking.
I usually have phases when things are better and when things are worse (aka really going down the drain) and I hope this itsy bitsy spider climbing up will withstand the next rain.

of course it is a sunshiny and bright day outside with people enjoying themselves and children laughing when I lie down in a dark corner crying and being angry with the world and sad about life. or was it sad about my world and angry at living? I don't remember anymore and I don't care. I deserve more.

the feeling of a sword of Damocles hanging over me just gets more intense. the moment of it falling is undeniably coming closer. I don't know if I can dodge it or even should. I spend the last days practically paralysed, unsure what to do, unable to act. staring at stuff neither hearing nor seing anything really. messing my life up even more than I feel it is.
now I am getting restless. next phase *hurray rabbit hole* what now? running in circles still not knowing what to do? waiting for the panic attack and run in circles gasping and crying. can hardly wait..

why do I have to know what to do with my life? why do I have to be organized and knowing and clear on what to do and when to do it and bloody decided and self-confident and whatnot? I AM NOT! I never have been. it's just that my own parents can't be bothered to see that even though I hold them partially responsible because they never showed me how to deal with any official stuff.
but why do I have to know? and why do I have to know in a few days?
I fucked up the one way my life was going and since then I feel suspended and hanging in limbo while the world keeps turning. I just hang out in my cozy corner of the world and hope things get better. because I certainly have no idea. and I don't even want a career, I don't want to be a good and nice and social person. I don't like most people, or am even interested in them. why can't I be left alone..
I would like to have a goal in my life and to know what to do about myself. it's just that I seem blind to viable options. and also to depressed and negative to see anything as positive *insert snort* other people seem to find joy in life and are content if not happy. I can't say that I feel that. some days I just seem to be an empty shell unable to feel anything. friends can sit next to me laughing and I have to fight to fake a smile.
I don't know what to do. and I'm freaking out and scared. contemplating drinking or drug use so I don't have to think and stop thinking about banging my head against the wall or doing something else but equally stupid.
hurray for me and down the rabbit hole.

In a big effort to find all my 'mad world songs' - which was a playlist of super sad stuff I played when I needed it and/or vent those feelings and/or cry or other emotional baggage-problem-type-of-things - I found this one again. it fits because it correlates well with a story I had in my head the last few days (that is when I was awake thinking about it and trying to sleep, kinda dreaming about it).
I came across this song first when I watched a (very well done and emotional) episode of 'Grey's Anatomy' a few years back. The moment, the story for this song and the way Sara Ramirez sang it were absolutely astonishing. I remember sitting there watching and sobbing. Later I listened to the original which is also brilliant and bringing me to tears every time I hear it, though the feeling in this version seems somewhat different to me. 
www.youtube.com/watch
Any way.. this song was in that playlist. half an hour of misery and tears. marvellous.

when mother calls it often drags me down. I shouldn't let it but she has the power to make me feel half an inch tall with two sentences. makes you wanna pull the blanket over your head and forget the whole damn world exists. makes me feeling like linkin park. I searched for that line in my head for half an hour. it's from numb/encore.
"I'm becoming this. all I want to do is be more like me and be less like you. "
although so many linkin park songs make you wanna scream it all out (eg Crawling, Points of Authority, Bleed it Out, Papercut..) I should make a playlist again..