2014-03-11 08:55![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
outofmymind
outofmymindso as it turns out reading and working through fictional problems brought up some of my issues. or is it normal to try and read a book while you cry your eyes out and feeling there was something that went horribly wrong with you?
I have spend the past few weeks dodging my parent's (or mother's) calls and generally trying not to speak to anyone of my family. which includes my sister who doesn't deserve this right now because she her own stuff to deal with. especially since her birthday will be this week. but I am starting to see I don't deserve this either. I don't deserve being scared shitless most of the time and sad or empty and angry and exhausted the rest.
I spend half the day yesterday crying about how my life turned out and wanting to scream at my parents for letting this happen. because I don't think it is supposed to and I want to blame them so much. I think part of it is their fault. they never saw me or took care of certain things like I needed them to because I wouldn't be in this shit if they had, right? if they had seen that 15 years ago or helped me find a way in this world and showed me how it worked I wouldn't sit here right now. I believe that.
I also know it is much too late now and some parts of that relationship and being a family are just broken. I can see that. I don't think they do. and I know it is not fair that I freak out now and just shut them out and worry them by not answering the phone. but I can't. I wanna scream at them so badly I practically shake. and I can't .. just can't. they don't deserve being shut out because it is my problem, right now. they have no idea I finally had the courage to bring these things up for myself and think about them. but I don't deserve feeling so lost either.
have they never seen how I isolated myself from people? I grew up pretty much secluded after we moved from the city. I had no friends in our village. I didn't have many friends period. I was ridiculed in school and started keeping things more to myself. have they noticed? I couldn't talk about things that hurt me even as a kid I believe. and no one made me. so I learned to keep it in. it grew worse because I had books and fantasy lands I could retreat in. has no one seen I go to other places when the real world gets to much for me? and I don't only mean when I was alone but also when I didn't understand which in turn nobody seems to understand. and I tend to do that in arguments too. I realised I not only not wanna be there and witness conflict. I shut it out and nearly shut down. I get antsy and flight response. I wanna run from my own family.
because, yay, here is the next tidbit I found clarity about: I don't feel comfortable with them. I am so screwed up right now I don't wanna see them, don't want to talk to them and all around avoid contact. I feel worse enough I have no career and they see me as a loser. but all this and expecting me to make it better weighs so much on me. and I know I can't fulfill any of their expectations. right now I am glad I get through a day okay. so I know I am disappointing them each time I see them. try to steer a conversation when the second she has time your mother zeroes in on your career again when you thought you nearly made it through. there came the hammer again, ploughing you down. more disappointment.
has anybody ever noticed I am a nervous rambler? I say out loud all the unconnected thoughts and various bits of curious and weird information floating around in my head. my friends can deal better with that, they are more used to my randomness. or, fates bless them, can sometimes hold on to thoughts and conversation topics (because they actually get them, listen to me, know and are interested in what I am talking about). my own family dismisses me because to them what I say is inconsequential, weird and unimportant. nervous rambler. around members of my family. people I should be the most comfortable in life with.
same with my people issues. I realise it is getting worse. as with most things in my life, I turn in a vicious circle. I am turning into a sociophob. and not only because I can be weird and a shallow person showing only tiny to no interest in (real) people but also because I am scared. and completely self-conscious. anybody notice? naw. I have to find courage to go grocery shopping some days. I get ridiculed by my parents and laughed at as to why I don't call people about a job or asking blah blah. shall I tell you? I rather suffer days of toothache instead of calling my dentist. I ponder doing it after being awake for thirty hours and maybe with added liquid courage because maybe then, just maybe, I can do it. I am terrified, people. I hate being judged and thought about. that is why I like written communication. I can be far, far, very far away from people and can imagine they don't think about me. why I am that crazy? I'd rather not know. the more I think about that one, the more I am ready to freak. and then I screwed up again and there is more reason to judge me which is why I cannot talk to them again which makes some situations just insanely more difficult for me. I feel like it gets worse anytime I talk to people. and away we spin..
these are only some of the things I would like to throw at somebody's head. all these things started when I read a character singing 'F**kin' perfect' to another while they were sad. and I realised I am so far from that and so far from being okay right now for all those reasons and so many more. and then I read about a character getting out of a horrible situation but having hope since they had someone by their side. someone to give them hope, hope for more. I don't have that. I don't have hope. I felt like breaking apart. because it would mean I give up. and I am not ready to do that yet. I don't want to sink down in my misery and feel like I do which is that I don't see many things in my life giving me pleasure or making me smile. no, I don't even see that. but, damnit, I deserve it! I deserve t be content. I deserve to not despair. and I deserve at least an ounce of happiness and hope.
so I have to turn myself around. I have to find hope because if I don't then I don't know what I am here for.
I have spend the past few weeks dodging my parent's (or mother's) calls and generally trying not to speak to anyone of my family. which includes my sister who doesn't deserve this right now because she her own stuff to deal with. especially since her birthday will be this week. but I am starting to see I don't deserve this either. I don't deserve being scared shitless most of the time and sad or empty and angry and exhausted the rest.
I spend half the day yesterday crying about how my life turned out and wanting to scream at my parents for letting this happen. because I don't think it is supposed to and I want to blame them so much. I think part of it is their fault. they never saw me or took care of certain things like I needed them to because I wouldn't be in this shit if they had, right? if they had seen that 15 years ago or helped me find a way in this world and showed me how it worked I wouldn't sit here right now. I believe that.
I also know it is much too late now and some parts of that relationship and being a family are just broken. I can see that. I don't think they do. and I know it is not fair that I freak out now and just shut them out and worry them by not answering the phone. but I can't. I wanna scream at them so badly I practically shake. and I can't .. just can't. they don't deserve being shut out because it is my problem, right now. they have no idea I finally had the courage to bring these things up for myself and think about them. but I don't deserve feeling so lost either.
have they never seen how I isolated myself from people? I grew up pretty much secluded after we moved from the city. I had no friends in our village. I didn't have many friends period. I was ridiculed in school and started keeping things more to myself. have they noticed? I couldn't talk about things that hurt me even as a kid I believe. and no one made me. so I learned to keep it in. it grew worse because I had books and fantasy lands I could retreat in. has no one seen I go to other places when the real world gets to much for me? and I don't only mean when I was alone but also when I didn't understand which in turn nobody seems to understand. and I tend to do that in arguments too. I realised I not only not wanna be there and witness conflict. I shut it out and nearly shut down. I get antsy and flight response. I wanna run from my own family.
because, yay, here is the next tidbit I found clarity about: I don't feel comfortable with them. I am so screwed up right now I don't wanna see them, don't want to talk to them and all around avoid contact. I feel worse enough I have no career and they see me as a loser. but all this and expecting me to make it better weighs so much on me. and I know I can't fulfill any of their expectations. right now I am glad I get through a day okay. so I know I am disappointing them each time I see them. try to steer a conversation when the second she has time your mother zeroes in on your career again when you thought you nearly made it through. there came the hammer again, ploughing you down. more disappointment.
has anybody ever noticed I am a nervous rambler? I say out loud all the unconnected thoughts and various bits of curious and weird information floating around in my head. my friends can deal better with that, they are more used to my randomness. or, fates bless them, can sometimes hold on to thoughts and conversation topics (because they actually get them, listen to me, know and are interested in what I am talking about). my own family dismisses me because to them what I say is inconsequential, weird and unimportant. nervous rambler. around members of my family. people I should be the most comfortable in life with.
same with my people issues. I realise it is getting worse. as with most things in my life, I turn in a vicious circle. I am turning into a sociophob. and not only because I can be weird and a shallow person showing only tiny to no interest in (real) people but also because I am scared. and completely self-conscious. anybody notice? naw. I have to find courage to go grocery shopping some days. I get ridiculed by my parents and laughed at as to why I don't call people about a job or asking blah blah. shall I tell you? I rather suffer days of toothache instead of calling my dentist. I ponder doing it after being awake for thirty hours and maybe with added liquid courage because maybe then, just maybe, I can do it. I am terrified, people. I hate being judged and thought about. that is why I like written communication. I can be far, far, very far away from people and can imagine they don't think about me. why I am that crazy? I'd rather not know. the more I think about that one, the more I am ready to freak. and then I screwed up again and there is more reason to judge me which is why I cannot talk to them again which makes some situations just insanely more difficult for me. I feel like it gets worse anytime I talk to people. and away we spin..
these are only some of the things I would like to throw at somebody's head. all these things started when I read a character singing 'F**kin' perfect' to another while they were sad. and I realised I am so far from that and so far from being okay right now for all those reasons and so many more. and then I read about a character getting out of a horrible situation but having hope since they had someone by their side. someone to give them hope, hope for more. I don't have that. I don't have hope. I felt like breaking apart. because it would mean I give up. and I am not ready to do that yet. I don't want to sink down in my misery and feel like I do which is that I don't see many things in my life giving me pleasure or making me smile. no, I don't even see that. but, damnit, I deserve it! I deserve t be content. I deserve to not despair. and I deserve at least an ounce of happiness and hope.
so I have to turn myself around. I have to find hope because if I don't then I don't know what I am here for.
◾ Tags: